“Grey! Did I hear you say grey?” “Light black. From pole to pole.”

…bleakness…desolation…plastic forks…

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

A housewife is wearing a polypyrene jumpsuit.

A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.

A platter of organic prune crisps is being trampled by an army of swarthy, Italian lounge singers.

A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.

All biography is ultimately fiction.

All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat.

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Alright, you! Imitate a wounded seal pleading for a parking space!

Am I accompanied by a parent or guardian?

Am I shoplifting?

America! I saw it all! Vomiting! Waving! Jerry Falwelling into your void tube of UHF oblivion! Safeway of the mind!

An idle mind is worth two in the bush.

And the less I seek my source for some definitive, closer I am to fine…

Animals can be driven crazy by placing too many in too small a pen.

Antibiotics, she said.

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.

Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.

Bullshit makes the flowers grow and that’s beautiful.

Can I have an impulse item instead?

Cannibalism is a small price to pay for popularity.

Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy.

Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat.

Convictions cause convicts.

Could I have a drug overdose?

Cyberspace is where you are when you’re on the telephone.

Death is just the ultimate expression of radical solipsism.

Did you know that if you were a kangaroo, you couldn’t be a mailman?

Does someone from Peoria have a shorter attention span than me?

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Drive carefully. 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents.

Driving makes you stupid; the more you drive, the stupider you get.

Everything you know is wrong!

Everywhere I look I see negativity and asphalt…

Happiness is mandatory.

He dominates the decadent subway scene.

He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.

Hello Kitty gang terrorizes town, family stickered to death!

Hello. Just walk along and try not to think about your intestines being almost forty yards long!

Hello? Enema Bondage? I’m calling because I want to be happy, I guess…

Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample bottles…

Hmmm… an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of polyvinyl chloride…

Hold the mayo & pass the cosmic awareness…

How many retired bricklayers from Florida are out purchasing pencil sharpeners right now?

How’s the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?

I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!

I am deeply concerned and I want something good for breakfast.

I am Zorkon, this is my brother Zenon, and this is my other brother Zenon.

I don’t know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q. levels with a blue ribbon senate sub-committee.

I feel partially hydrogenated.

I fill my industrial waste containers with old copies of the “Watchtower” and then add Hawaiian Punch to the top. They look nice in the yard.

I have accepted Provolone into my life!

I know the road, I know where it goes; that’s why I’m going so slow…

I like Aisle 7a.

I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.

I salivate at the sight of mittens.

I started to correct my mistakes, but realized what I was doing in time.

I wonder if I ought to tell them about my previous life as a complete stranger?

I’m a solipsist, I don’t see why other people aren’t that way…

I’m meditating on the formaldehyde and the asbestos leaking into my personal space.

If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.

If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, and quacks like a duck it is probably just a tool of the conspiracy

If you feel like you’ve got to lead, at least get out of my way.

If you’re so special, why aren’t you dead?

Is this an out-take from the “Brady Bunch”?

Is this going to involve raw human ecstasy?

Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?

It is not on any map; true places never are.

It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.

It’s 74 degrees, 12 minutes North, and 41 degrees, 3 minutes East. Soon, it will be Tuesday.

It’s a lot of fun being alive… I wonder if my bed is made?

Just as Schopenhauer predicted, absolutely nothing is happening.

Kids, don’t gross me off… “Adventures with Mental Hygiene” can be carried too far!

Let’s climb to the top of that mountain and think about strip mining.

Life is a popularity contest. I’m refreshingly candid.

Love as it exists in society is merely the mingling of two fantasies and the contact of two skins.

Make your own mistakes, not somebody else’s.

Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.

Most people do not know how to behave in a massacre.

My face is new, my license is expired, and I’m under a doctor’s care!

My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!

My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!

No man is an island, but then no man is a potato salad, either.

No, just the nipple-cones, officer, just the nipple-cones.

Not enough people play skee-ball. They’re always thinking about cocaine or alien beings.

Occam was never the target of a conspiracy.

Okay, you guys having sex here, let’s see some skill rolls!

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Over the underpass! Under the overpass! Around the future and beyond repair!

Overall, there was a smell of fried onions.


Quantum Express: When you absolutely, positively, don’t know where it’s going or when it needs to be there.

Question Authority — and the authorities will question you.

Sleep is nature’s way of telling you to go to bed.

Spacetime isn’t curved, it’s positively bent.

Sturgeon’s Law: Ninety percent of everything is crud.

That which is not forbidden is mandatory.

The decision doesn’t have to be logical, it was unanimous.

The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.

The plural of spouse is spice.

The problem with troubleshooting is that real trouble shoots back.

The rarity of genuine feeling in human society sometimes makes me stop in the street to watch a dog gnawing a bone.

The three greatest men who ever lived were Eleanor Roosevelt.

The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.

There is no heavier burden than a great potential.

Therefore, knowing that you are merely human, do not assign yourself merit.

They collapsed… like nuns in the street… they had no teen appeal!

This is precisely the sort of thing that people who like this sort of thing will like.

Those students who have become one with the universe will be allowed to go on and become two with the universe.

Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.

Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.

Vegetables are murder.

Vote for me — I’m well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived, and tax-deferred!

We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.

We’re not doing scientific research, we’re killing people.

What’s the matter, Sid? Is your beverage unsatisfactory?

When we talk about property, state, masters, government, laws, courts, and police, we say only that we don’t want any of them.

Whenever I hear the word “culture”, it makes me want to reach for my revolver.

Why is the cheese moving?

Wonders never cease, as long as you never cease to wonder.

Your weakness is money in their bank.

Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental attitudes!


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