The Gospel According to Joey Rash

Eris laughed. Eris cried. Eris sang the body electric. Eris wiped Her ass with the written and grinned like a ninny at the spoken. Eris went low-carb-high-as-a-kite. Eris bakes NP-hard candy, grills recursive sausage, and snacks on Turing-complete bacon–avacado dip. Eris walked into a bar with a neolithic e-primate, a paleolithic freemason, and a hollow senior citizen. Eris illuminated a hypertext manuscript and hid it in Plato’s cave. Eris founded a for-profit corporate prophet. Eris employs twenty-three thousand gophers. Eris renders saturated cash. Eris’s name takes itself in vain. Eris believes in the Goddess of What but not the Goddess of Who. Eris assembles Her own furniture from the bones of priests and the screws of newlyweds. Eris double-dog dared herself to eat the whole thing.

Eris wrote a wordless gospel and instructed us to ignore it. Eris never wrote anything because She never developed Her illiteracy skills. Eris invented language for the lulz. Eris enjoys the silence, enplays the noise, and enrides the sound waves. Eris lost weight, found height, and returned depth. Eris’s cholesterol brings all the boys to the yard. Eris prescribes statins to post-zenpunk pre-zinesters. Eris televised the revolution. Eris made Episode Seven using a green screen, a blue man group, and a yellow polka-dot bikini. Eris grants no refuge to the incompetent, the helpless, the miserable; they find no sanctuary in Her arms, no superiority, no soothing to their macerated egos; She will set them among their peers.

This one time, at band camp, Eris made an outdated pop-culture reference; this other time, Eris shoved the Earth up Her pussy. Eris deletes Doctor Who torrents. Eris ground his bones to make Her bread. Eris ships Jenny Everywhere with Her OC, Holly Hopdrive. Eris wore Her sunglasses at night. Eris said “what” again. Eris moved zig. Eris helped a blind man in a dark room look for a black cat which imagined a butterfly. Eris divided by Nero, multipled by herself, and subtracted the subterranean. Eris crossed the Moebius Strip to get to the other side. Eris found the answer to life, the universe, and everything, and phrased it as a question. Eris appears hideous and beautiful, and reclaimed ugly because fnord you.

Eris struck down upon them with great meh and furious indifference. Eris invested in the economy. Eris socialized the medicines, privatized the nationalisms, and publicized the conspiracy. Eris voted for a half-methemoglobinemiac half-ginger monocular humanitarian alicorn. Eris never sexually-related to that dress. Eris flies planes into buildings for half-price. Eris lit a darkness in the candle. Eris likes a little coffee with Her lard. Eris never counted a calorie. Eris markets individualism to children. Eris performs one-act plays at the community theatre. Eris told his wife he loved her. Eris coveted Her neighbor’s ass. Eris has no intention to ever give you up or let you down. When She thinks about you, Eris touches Herself.

No philosophy withstood Her.

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3 responses to “The Gospel According to Joey Rash

  1. Did I like this? Yes. And No. Did I push the Like button? Yes. Am I commenting right now because I can’t help how much I enjoyed this? Yes. Am I proud of the fact that I like this? Do I think there is any merit in its meaning, or value its wisdom? Ehhh….No. Eris says most of this is lies. Do I trust Eris? Yes. And No. Do I think there is an inherent logic to recognizing and praising the subjective chaos of the universe? Yes. Do I think this post does just that? No. Or maybe it does. Or maybe…maybe…

    Sorry I fnorded all over your blog post.

    • Have we abused the Socratic Method in a manner most reminiscent of masturbation?

      Sorry I “fnorded” all over your comment. ;)

      • Ya know, being a generally sexually liberal people, the citizens of Athens never wanted to admit the real impetus for their charges that Socrates was “corrupting youth”. No one knew if it was deliberate intimidation or if a good debate just really got him going, but everyone agreed they were tired of Socrates whipping out his deal in the middle of every conversation…

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